A few days ago I was going to my mailbox which sits atop a short but steep hill. I decided to run for no particular reason and when I reached the top I thought about how 5 years ago I couldn't run at all, let alone uphill.
My life is completely different now.
Over the years, I have lost and gained weight too many times to count. At present day, my body is not what anyone would call "ideal". I could list off the flaws for you, but I don't want to do that. I want to be kind to myself. Because this body of mine will do pretty much anything I ask it to.
I can run, bike, hike, swim, dance, play, stretch, and sleep soundly. It is strong and healthy. So, on this day at the mailbox, when I am marveling at the chasm between five years ago and now, a familiar voice spoke up in my head.
"Sure, but you could still stand to lose 20 pounds."
Why am I so cruel to myself? (maybe you can relate?) I try not to think this way, but it's a constant battle.
As I stood there at the mailbox with these conflicting voices going around in my head, a thought entered my mind with such force I haven't been able to forget about it since. It was this:
What if I had the audacity to start loving my body as it is right now in this moment?
I haven't been able to stop thinking about what this means. Can I just decide this and then make it so? I think yes. And, I'm going to try. But instead of thinking of it as a constant battle, I am thinking of it as a practice.
I have so many thoughts on this subject that for months, I have actually been keeping a dedicated notebook in which I collect articles, ideas, and thoughts.
I wanted to blog about them as a way to sort through, and solidify them in my mind. But, I also wanted to have a conversation with anyone that might have a different perspective or insight to share.
If loving your body is something that you struggle with too maybe you'll join me?
PS. I can't even believe how scared I am to click publish right now. What's up with that?
Way to be brave Kelly and put yourself out there. I have had the same hesitation about posting this comment. I’m not sure why it is so scary but it is!
I totally feel what you are saying though. The battle is real – not the battle of the bulge or the constant striving for the ideal image as much as the battle over our own thoughts about our imperfections.
I heard once that negative self talk is like a weed in a beautiful garden. If we let them, these weeds will take root, grow stronger and even multiply. Instead of allowing them to grow in our thoughts, when we recognize them we want to pluck them out and plant something pretty in its place.
Since hearing this, l try to catch my negative thoughts about myself and l actually visualize myself plucking out those thoughts like weeds and l visualize myself throwing them away. Then l consciously replace the thoughts with a positive statement about myself or my body or turn the negative thoughts into an “I’m so grateful for” statement about myself or my body. I’m not perfect at it as it takes vigilence and conciousness. I will say though that since l have been doing this, it has made a significant positive difference with how l feel about myself and my body. In general do feel so much more grateful for the body l have and consequently have been feeling so much more motivated to take care of it!
Thanks for your sharing your thoughts Kelly. I totally relate and commend you for being brave. I love your light bulb moment and am glad you decided to share it.